Heratio the Fox: The 11nd

Once upon a time there was a fox who was sly and cunning. He was the size of a camel, and he was a slightly violent creature. This fox, named "Heratio" was always up to no good, causing death and despair, for people died everywhere he went. But Heratio wasn't always trouble. There was a day where Heratio was a well behaved, normal sized fox, who only did good things. Let me share how he became the vicious animal he is today...

One day, Heratio was frolicking through the fields. He was having a lovely afternoon with his best friend, Oitareh. Oitareh and Heratio were the bestest of fox friends, practically inseparable. The two did everything possible together. The day before this day, Heratio and Oitareh were down at the soup kitchen serving soup to the poor and the needy. After that they provided any medical care that the homeless or needy needed. They even did double bypass heart surgery on one of the homeless men! And it was all free of charge! Both Heratio and Oitareh had full time jobs, which they donated all of their money to their church and various organizations.

Then one day, whilst they were listening to the radio, a new type of music came on that they had ne'er heard before. They were torn on how to feel about this music. They were disgusted and intrigued, attracted and repelled. The song that was playing was "whiskey girl" by Toby Keith. Not knowing how to respond to this music, they simply listened more. They changed the radio to a station that played all of this type of music. They eventually figured out that it was called "country music." After about an hour of listening to this "country music" Heratio and Oitareh became ill. Their symptoms were: upset stomach, diarrhea, indigestion, tumors, bipolar disorder, fits of rage, deafness, blindness, swollen appendages, dry mouth, thoughts of baking cakes while brewing root beer, finger loss, cravings for brussel sprouts, and occasionally death. All these are terrible side effects of listening to country music, but thankfully Heratio and Oitareh didn't have all the side effects.

But there was one that destroyed them. Can you guess which one? Did you guess desire to eat one's own species? Well, you're wrong. Guess again. Did you guess fits of rage? Wrong again! Occasional death? Wrong. Bipolar disorder? Wrong again. Let me save you some time so you don't have to guess every single one. Because every single one of the side effects is wrong. They had a side effect that is very uncommon. So uncommon, in fact, that these two were the only ones to suffer from this terrible side effect of country music. The side effect they fell victim to was "desire to eat one's own species." This country music is dangerous, I tell you what. Obviously, since this series of short stories is about Heratio, we know who ate the other. Why do you think Heratio is the size of a camel? Because he ate his best friend, Oitareh. Don't you know that foxes cant digest other foxes? Oitareh is still inside Heratio, scratching away, trying to find his way out, but Heratio has a tough stomach, and will not permit Oitareh to excape, but Oitareh will keep trying forever and ever, and the reason Oitareh doesn't die is because he gets nourishment from the food that Heratio eats, so in a way Oitareh and Heratio are still best friends because they are in a symbiotic relationship, except Heratio doesn't really need Oitareh to survive, but Oitareh does help Heratio be big and scary and yeah.

Since that day, Heratio has been suffering from all the other side effects of country except death. Oitareh is too, he just had an imaginary tea party inside of Heratio's estomago with his friends, Francis, Bob, and Ungureaneau.

Now you know why Heratio is the way he is.

Heratio 10.0 on the Richter Scale

Once upon a time there was a fox named Heratio. Heratio was a vicious, terribly evil, yet friendly and good fox. He was mischeivous, yet tended to follow the rules. Well, one day while a-trotting through the forest, he came upon something h...e had never seen before. It was about 16 inches tall. About 5 or 6 inches wide. Silver at the top, silver at the bottom. A liquid gooeyness in the middle. The liquid was blue, and it had small green liquidy balls floatin around inside. He sniffed it. No scent. He licked it. OUCH! It was hot to the touch. Didn't taste like anything though. Since he didn't know what it was, he did the only logical thing possible. He pooped on it. Covered in in ridiculous amounts of fox poop. Until it was covered. Then, aye, enter stage left, a 13 foot tall rabbit comes a-hopping in. He says in a high pitched, yet deep voice "Heratio, what hast thou donest to mine lava lamp? WHere has it gone, and why did you poop where it was?" Heratio answered in fox speak, "When you're sitting in a jet, and you feel a little wet, diarrhea, diarrhea." As a result of those words, Mr. Rabbit instantly imploded into 4 pieces and turned into a 4 pack of diet chocolate soda. Now, Heratio was a sucker for diet chocolate soda, so he drank all the pop. In fact, he even ate the cans. Then he pooped again.

Suddenly, the big pile of poop melted away and lava lamp was back, and he said to Heratio "Heratio, I hate you. You have pooped on me, therefore I will poop on you and your children." And he proceeded to do so.

The next day Heratio was feeling kind of eccentric, so he went to Target and bought everything. Fox... foxes... foxi (what is plural for fox? I think I'll go with foxi). Foxi are rich, don't you know? They have a little pouch on there belly in which there is an endless supply of bottle caps, which they use for currency. Visa is accepted everywhere? I think not. Bottle caps accepted everywhere. I think so. You try going to the Galapagos islands and using your visa there. Aint gonna happen. You need some bottle caps. Thats what you need. So Heratio bought everything in the Target store and stored it in his pouch. You can fit a lot in fox pouches because the inside is like another dimension. It's like a portal to another universe. So Heratio has, like, a lot of stuff in there.

Then Heratio went home and reflected upon what happened, and came to a conclusion: A fox is never to deep fry orange juice on thursdays.

Heratio the Fox: Ninth Occurrance

Once upon a time (actually, this would be the ninths upon a time, yes?) there was a sly and cunning fox. His name was Heratio. He was the beez neez. When he walked down the road, heads turned in amazement and awe. They were inspired that a fox could amount to such a camel sized creature. Heratio was in san Fran Sisco. It's slightly hilly there, and Heratio didn't like it. What do you think he did? That's right. He pulled out some nukes out of his pocket. Nukes, not newts. Never confuse the two or something treble (aka terrible) may happen to you. Like a million fleas will infest your armpits forever. Or something of the sort.

So he was nuking san Fran Sisco and just before they were about to land, Superflan came to the rescue and saved the city. Superflan is like Superman, except Superflan doesn't wear those sick tights like Superman. Honestly, who wants to see a man with super powers in tights? Superflan wore nice baggy clothes. He caught up the nukes in his 32nd pocket on his right hind leg. And the nukes are allergic to baggy clothes, so the evaporated. Just like evaporated milk. Heratio loves evaporated milk, so he drank the nuke juice. It was delicious.

Superflan had a sidekick named Bobbin. Bobbin was actually a bobbin that was able to do human things. So like most humans, Bobbin smoked, ate, and drank excessively. Bobbin was American. So he also swore a lot and watched 30 hours of TV a day. Heratio's the beez neez, remember?, so Heratio retired Superflan and Bobbin. He retired them to Jupiter. And they died there, because there's no oxygen there. Heratio felt bad about sending them to Jupiter, so he invited them back, and then he found out that they died because of the slight lack of oxygen, so Heratio built a time machine in which he went back in time and then built a super fast space ship and went and got them and brought them back to the 5th rock from the sun (it's 5th now because 2 super transparent life sized planets were discovered between Mars and the other planet before it) but on the way back Heratio got tired of Superflan and Bobbin and he bludgeoned their facers in.

When he got home, he[ratio] came across a zit on his eyeball. It was 1/300th the size of the Mall of America. The Mall of America is roughly 140,000 square meters. Lets be conservative and say its only 6 meters tall. That puts the Mall of America at 840,000 cubic meters, which puts the zit on Heratio's eye at 2800 cubic meters, which translates to roughly 9000 cubic feet. I'm not sure if you know, but that's like the size of a house. I'm not kidding. Heratio had a house size zit on his eyeball. But it was really no matter, for he just sliced it off and ate it. When he got to the center, he discovered a life sized model of Bill Clinton in a speedo, blindfolded around the neck and sunburned so badly he was black. Burnt to a crisp. Heratio didn't eat bill.

But wait! Out from left field came an ALIEN! I'm not talking about a non US citizen. I'm talking about an ALIEN from outer space! OOO! Tingly feeling! He came with a legion of cockroaches. A legion is roughly 6,000 I believe. It might be 7,000. Either way, its a lot of icky critters. They came, they saw, they kicked ghost butt. Except there were no ghosts, only Heratio. And Heratio's the beez neez, so they really didn't do anything. But it was cool that Heratio got to see an ALIEN!

Here's picures of the Alien, Bill Clinton, and a pooping dog:

El Eight. The Ocho.

There once was a sly and cunning fox. His name was Heratio. He lived in a forest. A forest that was recently named "The Forest For Rest" (as some of you may know, eh?). Heratio was simply tired of living in this forest, so he decided to dress himself up in some nice fig leaf clothes and head onwards into town, YA!

The nearest town was was a 1700 day hike. But Heratio was willing to walk/crawl such an incredible distance. Do foxes walk or crawl? Cuz technically he has 4 legs, so wouldn't that be a crawl? Do you have to be really close to the grownd for it to be considered a crawl? Who knows. Maybe we'll just combine the two words to make a new word. Wawlk. Crawlk. Crawalk. I like Crawlk the best, so we'll go with that.

So Heratio crawlkt (past tense for crawlk) to the nearest city, which was actually not a city but a fortress, it was a castle, for it was medieval times. It took 1700 days, which translates into approximately 4.657534247 years. Or 40,800 days. Or 2,448,000 seconds. Or. Or 6 space seconds.

The truth in the matter is that Heratio had a time machine, so he just crawlkt himself into his time machine and punched it to 4.657534247 years ahead. And then he got there and realized that the time machine made him go forward in time, but it didn't get him any closer to the city. So he tried again, but got the same results.

Heratio became enfuriatedly enraged at the time machine, for it was useless, so he melted it down and ate it. Because foxes get their nourishment from liquid metal. Did you not know? I scoff at you.

Heratio crapped out the liquid metal and it formed itself into an airplane. An SR-71 Blackbird to be exact. He downloaded the software on how to fly a plane (just like in the Matrix) and instantly became an expert in the field of SR-71 Blackbird flying. This plane goes 2304 mph, so he got to the city in a quicker amount of time. In 1700 days you could walk 13,600 miles if you walked at a pace of 3 mph. If you are flying at 2304 mph, you would get there in 5.9 hours. Am I right? Prove me wrong.

Once Heratio got there, he crash landed at full speed into a herd of velociraptors. You would think that the velociraptors and the jet would instantly explode into a fiery ball of explosionness. But you thought wrong. Actually you thought right. That's exactly what happened. But somehow, one of the carcasses of a velociraptor formed a sort of cocoon around Heratio's body and protected him from being wounded. Actually he just pushed the eject button before he crashed. But the other story sounds better, yeah, bru, huh?

He parachuted to the ground and landed on top of the Taj Mahol. And then we went to the local McDonalds and ordered a veggiemac. Because Heratio decided he didn't want to eat meat right now, so he got a vegetarian friendly burger. And he smothered the burger in Barbecue sauce. And lettuce. And then he ate it.

7th Heaven

Heratio was drinking water. Camels can drink 35 gallons of water in one day. "But Heratio's a fox" you may be thinking. HA! Heratio is a camel sized fox, remember? Because he is a fox and a camel, he can drink as much as a camel and a fox combined. Fox drink 100 million gallons a day. Just kidding. But seriously they do. Heratio drank 100 million and 35 gallons of water today. Sometimes Heratio gets bored of water, so he makes 100 million and 35 gallons of kool aid. But Heratio doesn't really have to make it, he just drinks out of the Kool Aid man's head. You know the red one from the commercials? Well, it's not quite 100 million and 35 gallons, but we all know that Mr. Kool Aid is self replenishing and when he loses liquids, they naturally replenish. So he never runs out. Thus, Heratio drinks from Mr. Kool Aid man.

So after Heratio's thirst was satisfied, he went to the park. Heratio loves parks. These "parks" are not to be confused with "parking lots." Because Heratio isn't allowed in parking lots. He's been outlawed from them because Heratio is incontinent and always leaves a mess in the parking lot. One time last week he snuck into a parking lot and pooed on a nice looking sports car. It made me laugh.

At the park today, Heratio met a new friend, named Mr. Ching. Mr. Ching was the name of the chain holding up the third swing on the right side. Boy, did Mr. Ching the chain have a great sense of humor, you might say he was humorous! Pardon the pun. No, Heratio was not on the swing, for it was a people swing, not a camel sized fox swing. It's ok though, Heratio doesn't like swings, they make him dizzy in the head. He prefers slides. Because they are like riding roller coasters, but there's no line to wait in.

Behold, Heratio danced then. At that time then, after he me Mr. Ching Heratio thus danced (emphasis on the "ed" its like dans-ED, like sometimes when you say blessed like bless-id instead of blest). It was an arabian dance. And he singed while he danced. It was beautiful. He though to himself in his head that he might be a well contestant on america's got talent. So he went on the show and won. Who doesn't like an arabian singing, dancing camel sized fox?

Chapter 6. Title 32.

Each day had gone by, one at a time, day by day. Heratio the Fox went clubbing e’ery night. He danced and danced like a dancing machine. Germans came up with machines first, but Heratio’s not German. He thrown his hands up in the air like he just didn’t care. And he wore no underware. Because he didn’t own a single pair. Cuz they were eaten by a bear. A bear who used nair, so he was bald. Like Smegal. Hairless nasty icky creature of the depths. One night at the club Heratio met a pretty lioness named “Eh” and she was Canadian, eh? Heratio said hello to Eh and they hit it off. But she was hungry, so she ate Heratio in one bite, gone done swallowed him whole. Luckily Heratio had a flashlight and a small pipe bomb in his kangaroo pouch he had attached last Thursday. So while Heratio was in the womb, I mean the stomach, he tooketh out said flashlight and pipe bomb. He turned the flashlight on and activated the bomb. There was a 3 second timer, and Heratio knew he must hide himself from the blast, so he clawed his way into the large intestine (for he was too big for the small instestines, you know). Heratio was a fast clawer, and he got out of the blast radius in time (he ended up near the last sphincter of the excretion system of Eh the lioness. She blew up, and he withered his way out of the carcass. Heratio vowed to never ever go clubbing again. At least for a day. Then he would be able to go clubbing then again. He missed his lo’er d’clo’er Eh the lioness and he cried for a long time. He cried for about three space days. Which is about 7 Earth seconds. So he cried for 7 earth seconds. He cried so hard that his eyes dried up so bad that his body re-routed his urine so that his eyes might be watered and replenished by his urine. Heratio recycles. He is green. Then Heratio had a hankering for a good old sub sanwich that his dear old grandma used to whip together. It was called a “BLS.” It’s similar to a BLT, which you know as bacon lettuce tomato. In the forest, they do not have bacon, because pigs live on farms. They do not have lettuce, only leaves. And they do have tomatoes, because we all know that tomatoes are savage growing weeds that infect e’ry portion of the Eart. A BLS is a butt, liver, and sphincter sandwich. Heratio loves this sandwich, yes he does. You think at Subway you eat fresh? Think again. At Subway you eat flesh. So don’t eat at Subway ever. Unless you like eating flesh. But I don’t. So I’m not gonna eat it. Cuz I think it’s gross. But Heratio likes it.

plazo cinco

One day, day one of month one of year one, a sly, a cunning fox named Heratio was there. Where was he? Well, he was there. This "there" happens to be next to that "there" and in between "this" and "that," as you might say, possibly. So he was in Rome. Rome, WI to be precisely precise with precisionally precision. He had finished eating his fox food that he was eating, if you must recall from The Fox, Heratio: Season One Episode Four Section A Subsection I Subsubsection α.

He wanted to experience something that's experiential, so he decided to try base jumping. But he was a fox, and they didn't have parachute packs that fit foxes, especially camel sized foxes like Heratio was, so Heratio decided to make his own parachute. He made four ropes out of fox hair, for this was the only available item that Heratio could use. Heratio didn't think of making ropes out of anything else because he got the Zackly disease. It's where you're mouth smells Zackly like your butt. Anywhoville, he tooketh the rope that he so fasioned out of his own fox hair, and he tied it to the four corners of The Earth. Heratio had taken the sheet from his bed and named it "The Earth" so Heratio didn't really tie his sheet to the earth, but rather to his sheet, which was named "The Earth." But he pronounced it like Calypso from Pirates of the Carribean does, so it sounded more like "De Ert." Then he tooketh said home-made parachute and jumped off of a cliff. His parachute failed.

Luckily, Spiderman happened to be dilly dallying around near this cliff, and sawr what trouble had become of Heratio. Spiderman and Heratio were actually pretty good buds. They even gave nicknames for each other. Spiderman was named "String Flinging Fairy" while Heratio was named "Clement." String Flinging Fairy swept Clement out from the sky, saving him from his most certain death. Clement said "thanks" and Spiderman left.

Heratio was mad that his parachute didn't work, and he thought it was the fault of the cliff. It was the fault of the cliff because it was angled the wrong way and made wind flow incorrectly, which cause the parachute to fly unproperly and fail. So Heratio cast the mountain into the sea. He did this by using the Force to send a Jupiter sized meteor to the mountains, and that crumbled the mountains to pieces, and then there was a rockslide that proceeded to the sea. So the mountain became one with the sea.

Then, a peacock happened to walk by, and Heratio had never seen a peacock before, so he ripped off the peacocks head and made a pleasant feathery like coat for himself to wear (for he lost all of his fox fur to the rope for the parachute) and ate the peacock's body for nourishment cause he had expended all his energy on taking care of them darn tootin mountains, yeah, bru? And the peacock was no more. Turns out though, that the peacock had the swine flu, cuz the peacock drank water from the same stream as little miss piggy. Fart. So Heratio got sick, and was near death.

Will Heratio get over the swine flu? Will Heratio ever eat a peacock again? Should you make your own parachute and base jump with it to prove that Heratio is just incompetent? No. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a toostie pop? The world may never know. Because Heratio knows, but he might die, but he can't tell anyone right now because he's got a breathing tube down his fox throat. So he couldn't talk.

Next episode we'll find out what happens to the fox. Or we might just continue the story like this episode never happened. Because a day with Heratio the Fox is like a day with no steak: meaningless utterings.

Until next time, meet single koala bears in your zip code.