Heratio 10.0 on the Richter Scale

Once upon a time there was a fox named Heratio. Heratio was a vicious, terribly evil, yet friendly and good fox. He was mischeivous, yet tended to follow the rules. Well, one day while a-trotting through the forest, he came upon something h...e had never seen before. It was about 16 inches tall. About 5 or 6 inches wide. Silver at the top, silver at the bottom. A liquid gooeyness in the middle. The liquid was blue, and it had small green liquidy balls floatin around inside. He sniffed it. No scent. He licked it. OUCH! It was hot to the touch. Didn't taste like anything though. Since he didn't know what it was, he did the only logical thing possible. He pooped on it. Covered in in ridiculous amounts of fox poop. Until it was covered. Then, aye, enter stage left, a 13 foot tall rabbit comes a-hopping in. He says in a high pitched, yet deep voice "Heratio, what hast thou donest to mine lava lamp? WHere has it gone, and why did you poop where it was?" Heratio answered in fox speak, "When you're sitting in a jet, and you feel a little wet, diarrhea, diarrhea." As a result of those words, Mr. Rabbit instantly imploded into 4 pieces and turned into a 4 pack of diet chocolate soda. Now, Heratio was a sucker for diet chocolate soda, so he drank all the pop. In fact, he even ate the cans. Then he pooped again.

Suddenly, the big pile of poop melted away and lava lamp was back, and he said to Heratio "Heratio, I hate you. You have pooped on me, therefore I will poop on you and your children." And he proceeded to do so.

The next day Heratio was feeling kind of eccentric, so he went to Target and bought everything. Fox... foxes... foxi (what is plural for fox? I think I'll go with foxi). Foxi are rich, don't you know? They have a little pouch on there belly in which there is an endless supply of bottle caps, which they use for currency. Visa is accepted everywhere? I think not. Bottle caps accepted everywhere. I think so. You try going to the Galapagos islands and using your visa there. Aint gonna happen. You need some bottle caps. Thats what you need. So Heratio bought everything in the Target store and stored it in his pouch. You can fit a lot in fox pouches because the inside is like another dimension. It's like a portal to another universe. So Heratio has, like, a lot of stuff in there.

Then Heratio went home and reflected upon what happened, and came to a conclusion: A fox is never to deep fry orange juice on thursdays.

Heratio the Fox: Ninth Occurrance

Once upon a time (actually, this would be the ninths upon a time, yes?) there was a sly and cunning fox. His name was Heratio. He was the beez neez. When he walked down the road, heads turned in amazement and awe. They were inspired that a fox could amount to such a camel sized creature. Heratio was in san Fran Sisco. It's slightly hilly there, and Heratio didn't like it. What do you think he did? That's right. He pulled out some nukes out of his pocket. Nukes, not newts. Never confuse the two or something treble (aka terrible) may happen to you. Like a million fleas will infest your armpits forever. Or something of the sort.

So he was nuking san Fran Sisco and just before they were about to land, Superflan came to the rescue and saved the city. Superflan is like Superman, except Superflan doesn't wear those sick tights like Superman. Honestly, who wants to see a man with super powers in tights? Superflan wore nice baggy clothes. He caught up the nukes in his 32nd pocket on his right hind leg. And the nukes are allergic to baggy clothes, so the evaporated. Just like evaporated milk. Heratio loves evaporated milk, so he drank the nuke juice. It was delicious.

Superflan had a sidekick named Bobbin. Bobbin was actually a bobbin that was able to do human things. So like most humans, Bobbin smoked, ate, and drank excessively. Bobbin was American. So he also swore a lot and watched 30 hours of TV a day. Heratio's the beez neez, remember?, so Heratio retired Superflan and Bobbin. He retired them to Jupiter. And they died there, because there's no oxygen there. Heratio felt bad about sending them to Jupiter, so he invited them back, and then he found out that they died because of the slight lack of oxygen, so Heratio built a time machine in which he went back in time and then built a super fast space ship and went and got them and brought them back to the 5th rock from the sun (it's 5th now because 2 super transparent life sized planets were discovered between Mars and the other planet before it) but on the way back Heratio got tired of Superflan and Bobbin and he bludgeoned their facers in.

When he got home, he[ratio] came across a zit on his eyeball. It was 1/300th the size of the Mall of America. The Mall of America is roughly 140,000 square meters. Lets be conservative and say its only 6 meters tall. That puts the Mall of America at 840,000 cubic meters, which puts the zit on Heratio's eye at 2800 cubic meters, which translates to roughly 9000 cubic feet. I'm not sure if you know, but that's like the size of a house. I'm not kidding. Heratio had a house size zit on his eyeball. But it was really no matter, for he just sliced it off and ate it. When he got to the center, he discovered a life sized model of Bill Clinton in a speedo, blindfolded around the neck and sunburned so badly he was black. Burnt to a crisp. Heratio didn't eat bill.

But wait! Out from left field came an ALIEN! I'm not talking about a non US citizen. I'm talking about an ALIEN from outer space! OOO! Tingly feeling! He came with a legion of cockroaches. A legion is roughly 6,000 I believe. It might be 7,000. Either way, its a lot of icky critters. They came, they saw, they kicked ghost butt. Except there were no ghosts, only Heratio. And Heratio's the beez neez, so they really didn't do anything. But it was cool that Heratio got to see an ALIEN!

Here's picures of the Alien, Bill Clinton, and a pooping dog:

El Eight. The Ocho.

There once was a sly and cunning fox. His name was Heratio. He lived in a forest. A forest that was recently named "The Forest For Rest" (as some of you may know, eh?). Heratio was simply tired of living in this forest, so he decided to dress himself up in some nice fig leaf clothes and head onwards into town, YA!

The nearest town was was a 1700 day hike. But Heratio was willing to walk/crawl such an incredible distance. Do foxes walk or crawl? Cuz technically he has 4 legs, so wouldn't that be a crawl? Do you have to be really close to the grownd for it to be considered a crawl? Who knows. Maybe we'll just combine the two words to make a new word. Wawlk. Crawlk. Crawalk. I like Crawlk the best, so we'll go with that.

So Heratio crawlkt (past tense for crawlk) to the nearest city, which was actually not a city but a fortress, it was a castle, for it was medieval times. It took 1700 days, which translates into approximately 4.657534247 years. Or 40,800 days. Or 2,448,000 seconds. Or. Or 6 space seconds.

The truth in the matter is that Heratio had a time machine, so he just crawlkt himself into his time machine and punched it to 4.657534247 years ahead. And then he got there and realized that the time machine made him go forward in time, but it didn't get him any closer to the city. So he tried again, but got the same results.

Heratio became enfuriatedly enraged at the time machine, for it was useless, so he melted it down and ate it. Because foxes get their nourishment from liquid metal. Did you not know? I scoff at you.

Heratio crapped out the liquid metal and it formed itself into an airplane. An SR-71 Blackbird to be exact. He downloaded the software on how to fly a plane (just like in the Matrix) and instantly became an expert in the field of SR-71 Blackbird flying. This plane goes 2304 mph, so he got to the city in a quicker amount of time. In 1700 days you could walk 13,600 miles if you walked at a pace of 3 mph. If you are flying at 2304 mph, you would get there in 5.9 hours. Am I right? Prove me wrong.

Once Heratio got there, he crash landed at full speed into a herd of velociraptors. You would think that the velociraptors and the jet would instantly explode into a fiery ball of explosionness. But you thought wrong. Actually you thought right. That's exactly what happened. But somehow, one of the carcasses of a velociraptor formed a sort of cocoon around Heratio's body and protected him from being wounded. Actually he just pushed the eject button before he crashed. But the other story sounds better, yeah, bru, huh?

He parachuted to the ground and landed on top of the Taj Mahol. And then we went to the local McDonalds and ordered a veggiemac. Because Heratio decided he didn't want to eat meat right now, so he got a vegetarian friendly burger. And he smothered the burger in Barbecue sauce. And lettuce. And then he ate it.

7th Heaven

Heratio was drinking water. Camels can drink 35 gallons of water in one day. "But Heratio's a fox" you may be thinking. HA! Heratio is a camel sized fox, remember? Because he is a fox and a camel, he can drink as much as a camel and a fox combined. Fox drink 100 million gallons a day. Just kidding. But seriously they do. Heratio drank 100 million and 35 gallons of water today. Sometimes Heratio gets bored of water, so he makes 100 million and 35 gallons of kool aid. But Heratio doesn't really have to make it, he just drinks out of the Kool Aid man's head. You know the red one from the commercials? Well, it's not quite 100 million and 35 gallons, but we all know that Mr. Kool Aid is self replenishing and when he loses liquids, they naturally replenish. So he never runs out. Thus, Heratio drinks from Mr. Kool Aid man.

So after Heratio's thirst was satisfied, he went to the park. Heratio loves parks. These "parks" are not to be confused with "parking lots." Because Heratio isn't allowed in parking lots. He's been outlawed from them because Heratio is incontinent and always leaves a mess in the parking lot. One time last week he snuck into a parking lot and pooed on a nice looking sports car. It made me laugh.

At the park today, Heratio met a new friend, named Mr. Ching. Mr. Ching was the name of the chain holding up the third swing on the right side. Boy, did Mr. Ching the chain have a great sense of humor, you might say he was humorous! Pardon the pun. No, Heratio was not on the swing, for it was a people swing, not a camel sized fox swing. It's ok though, Heratio doesn't like swings, they make him dizzy in the head. He prefers slides. Because they are like riding roller coasters, but there's no line to wait in.

Behold, Heratio danced then. At that time then, after he me Mr. Ching Heratio thus danced (emphasis on the "ed" its like dans-ED, like sometimes when you say blessed like bless-id instead of blest). It was an arabian dance. And he singed while he danced. It was beautiful. He though to himself in his head that he might be a well contestant on america's got talent. So he went on the show and won. Who doesn't like an arabian singing, dancing camel sized fox?

Chapter 6. Title 32.

Each day had gone by, one at a time, day by day. Heratio the Fox went clubbing e’ery night. He danced and danced like a dancing machine. Germans came up with machines first, but Heratio’s not German. He thrown his hands up in the air like he just didn’t care. And he wore no underware. Because he didn’t own a single pair. Cuz they were eaten by a bear. A bear who used nair, so he was bald. Like Smegal. Hairless nasty icky creature of the depths. One night at the club Heratio met a pretty lioness named “Eh” and she was Canadian, eh? Heratio said hello to Eh and they hit it off. But she was hungry, so she ate Heratio in one bite, gone done swallowed him whole. Luckily Heratio had a flashlight and a small pipe bomb in his kangaroo pouch he had attached last Thursday. So while Heratio was in the womb, I mean the stomach, he tooketh out said flashlight and pipe bomb. He turned the flashlight on and activated the bomb. There was a 3 second timer, and Heratio knew he must hide himself from the blast, so he clawed his way into the large intestine (for he was too big for the small instestines, you know). Heratio was a fast clawer, and he got out of the blast radius in time (he ended up near the last sphincter of the excretion system of Eh the lioness. She blew up, and he withered his way out of the carcass. Heratio vowed to never ever go clubbing again. At least for a day. Then he would be able to go clubbing then again. He missed his lo’er d’clo’er Eh the lioness and he cried for a long time. He cried for about three space days. Which is about 7 Earth seconds. So he cried for 7 earth seconds. He cried so hard that his eyes dried up so bad that his body re-routed his urine so that his eyes might be watered and replenished by his urine. Heratio recycles. He is green. Then Heratio had a hankering for a good old sub sanwich that his dear old grandma used to whip together. It was called a “BLS.” It’s similar to a BLT, which you know as bacon lettuce tomato. In the forest, they do not have bacon, because pigs live on farms. They do not have lettuce, only leaves. And they do have tomatoes, because we all know that tomatoes are savage growing weeds that infect e’ry portion of the Eart. A BLS is a butt, liver, and sphincter sandwich. Heratio loves this sandwich, yes he does. You think at Subway you eat fresh? Think again. At Subway you eat flesh. So don’t eat at Subway ever. Unless you like eating flesh. But I don’t. So I’m not gonna eat it. Cuz I think it’s gross. But Heratio likes it.

plazo cinco

One day, day one of month one of year one, a sly, a cunning fox named Heratio was there. Where was he? Well, he was there. This "there" happens to be next to that "there" and in between "this" and "that," as you might say, possibly. So he was in Rome. Rome, WI to be precisely precise with precisionally precision. He had finished eating his fox food that he was eating, if you must recall from The Fox, Heratio: Season One Episode Four Section A Subsection I Subsubsection α.

He wanted to experience something that's experiential, so he decided to try base jumping. But he was a fox, and they didn't have parachute packs that fit foxes, especially camel sized foxes like Heratio was, so Heratio decided to make his own parachute. He made four ropes out of fox hair, for this was the only available item that Heratio could use. Heratio didn't think of making ropes out of anything else because he got the Zackly disease. It's where you're mouth smells Zackly like your butt. Anywhoville, he tooketh the rope that he so fasioned out of his own fox hair, and he tied it to the four corners of The Earth. Heratio had taken the sheet from his bed and named it "The Earth" so Heratio didn't really tie his sheet to the earth, but rather to his sheet, which was named "The Earth." But he pronounced it like Calypso from Pirates of the Carribean does, so it sounded more like "De Ert." Then he tooketh said home-made parachute and jumped off of a cliff. His parachute failed.

Luckily, Spiderman happened to be dilly dallying around near this cliff, and sawr what trouble had become of Heratio. Spiderman and Heratio were actually pretty good buds. They even gave nicknames for each other. Spiderman was named "String Flinging Fairy" while Heratio was named "Clement." String Flinging Fairy swept Clement out from the sky, saving him from his most certain death. Clement said "thanks" and Spiderman left.

Heratio was mad that his parachute didn't work, and he thought it was the fault of the cliff. It was the fault of the cliff because it was angled the wrong way and made wind flow incorrectly, which cause the parachute to fly unproperly and fail. So Heratio cast the mountain into the sea. He did this by using the Force to send a Jupiter sized meteor to the mountains, and that crumbled the mountains to pieces, and then there was a rockslide that proceeded to the sea. So the mountain became one with the sea.

Then, a peacock happened to walk by, and Heratio had never seen a peacock before, so he ripped off the peacocks head and made a pleasant feathery like coat for himself to wear (for he lost all of his fox fur to the rope for the parachute) and ate the peacock's body for nourishment cause he had expended all his energy on taking care of them darn tootin mountains, yeah, bru? And the peacock was no more. Turns out though, that the peacock had the swine flu, cuz the peacock drank water from the same stream as little miss piggy. Fart. So Heratio got sick, and was near death.

Will Heratio get over the swine flu? Will Heratio ever eat a peacock again? Should you make your own parachute and base jump with it to prove that Heratio is just incompetent? No. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a toostie pop? The world may never know. Because Heratio knows, but he might die, but he can't tell anyone right now because he's got a breathing tube down his fox throat. So he couldn't talk.

Next episode we'll find out what happens to the fox. Or we might just continue the story like this episode never happened. Because a day with Heratio the Fox is like a day with no steak: meaningless utterings.

Until next time, meet single koala bears in your zip code.

Season One Episode Four Section A Subsection I Subsubsection α

It was a cool summer afternoon, about 9am, temperature 106.7 (the fish), and Heratio the Fox was walking upon his wooded forest. It had regrown since he burnanatored it. Recuerdas? I do. The trees were tall, as tall as tall trees normally are. Not tall like California Redwood Trees, cuz those are from the aliens. Heratio was strolling amongst the tall trees and he sawr a crow. He spoke to the crow in Elvish, “sovh hotne soe hofnay froothe ehiay” which translates into “Hi.” Then he communicated telepathetically with the crow and requested the crows name. Turns out the crows name was “Heratio” but it was pronounced not like Heratio the Fox (which is pronounced her-ash-e-oh) but the crows name was pronounced her-hat-t’you. Heratio the Fox was pleased with this, for Heratio the crow had a pleasant name. What Heratio the Fox didn’t know was that the crow was associated with the DUTCH! Uh-oh.

Some ask “Why is Heratio so violent?” But he’s not.

Heratio the Fox went for a quick fly around the forest and Heratio the Crow said “This new forest is beautiful.” And Heratio the Fox agreed. Except the crow said it in Dutch-land speak. So Heratio disagreed with that. So the crow was immediately killed by death by a wood chipper. But the crows skull was too thick to go through, so he didn’t die all the way. But he had no heart, because that was chopped up, so he died pretty quickly thereafter.

A sasquatch heard the girlish cries from the crows harrible incident with the wood chipper and came a running to the rescue like a knight in shining armour, but he was a sasquatch so he wore his hairy body instead of the armour for two reasons: firstly because his hair was really thick and was impenetrable and secondly because there were no stores nearby that sold shining armour and thirdly because sasquatch don’t have money and he wouldn’t be able to afford to buy anything, let alone expensive armour. The sasquatch was too late anyway and the crow died already, because sasquatchi (sas-kwaut-chie… plural for sasquatch) are big, fat, and run slow. Heratio the Fox chuckled an evil laugh. For he was sinister.

Heratio was a Fox and he was hungry, so he ate some fox food. I don’t know what foxes eat though.

Installment: Third of Three thus far

That which follows is the third-most addition to the instant classic "Heratio the Fox." For more information, please press 3. Para espanol, primera cuatro.

There once was a sly fox. This sly fox was cunning and dashingly good looking, eh? It has been one week since the bus incident, and Heratio got board. Like literally, he got a board. Of wood. From the forest that he burnt down, but some planks were left over that he rememberd he could use for certain things.

PAUSE! Please pardon the interruption, but some slight clarifications are needed to be made. Please note the fact that Heratio's name is not pronounced "her-aye-shyo" like you probably thought. His name is pronounced "her-ASH-yo" with the emphasis on the "ASH."

Resume film.

So Heratio was lumbering with his planks that he found. He thought the wood smelt good, so he thinked to himself that they might be-est pleasuring to eat, or rather, consume (but not consummate, just consume). So he took a small whale-sized bit of the plank that was near-most to himself, and he began to chew it. He got a sliver inbetween A tooth and his gums, and it hurt real bad, but he knew it would be worth it to chew through the pain, cuz it tasted so good. After that all was well, at least until be preceded to swollow, at which point he got this strange discomforted look upon his face, for he was choking and he threw it all up. It was mostly just wood, from the plank that he was eating, but there was a little bit of Buffalo Wild Wings mixed in, because he ate at there earlier today (for it was now about the 8th hour).

Speaking of Buffalo Wild Wings, now would be an optimal time to explain Heratio's (remember its pronounced her-ash-yo) terrible encounter with the ugly-betty waitress at Buffalo Wild Wings. So Heratio walked in to a Buffalo Wild Wings on the corner of 9th and 5th. You know where this is, yeah, bru, huh? And this was one of them Buffalo Wild Wings where foxes weren't allowed. At least, to say the least, Heratio was slightly engaged, or rather enraged. He was actually extremely enraged. He pulled out his Citizen's card proving once and for all that he was a citizen of the United States just as much as all the humans in there. So Betty, the waitress that was mentioned earlier (as the ugle-betty waitress, remember?), reluctantly gave him a table. Except he was a fox, and fox are tiny so he needed to be seated at a kiddy table. Turns out though, that it was a decoy fox, and the real Heratio the fox had walked in and demanded a regular-sized table. For Heratio was a camel-sized fox, if you can recall from "Heratio the Fox: Episode 2." Betty sighed and reluctantly gave him a table for three, for Heratio was having a guest in addition to his decoy fox. Heratio got 37 wings with no sauce. He ate every single one. All of them. Except he couldn't finish 2 of them, because he could tell they weren't Kosher.

So back to where Heratio had thrown up the wood. He decided that it may not be a good idea to eat wood again, probably. So he vowed to never eat wood that would certainly make him choke. But he might eat wood that wouldn't for sure make him choke.

That's it for now. So until next time, which will probably be soon, good bye

Episode 2

This is the second installment in a series of short stories. The first episode is only available on request. But Heratio's flashback in this story is a sufficient summary of episode one of "Heratio the Fox."

Once upon a time there was a sly fox. The sly fox was also cunning and dashingly good looking. His name was Heratio. While living in the woods, like he normally did, he saw a cloud in the sky. He wondered what the cloud was made of, and he couldn't figure it out, so he got mad. Heratio got so mad that he burned the forest down with a fireball shotgun. He burned down the forest like a mad-man. Except he was a fox, so he was more like a mad fox. A mad fox named Heratio.

Then Heratio had a flashback to a time in the past where there was a wicked witch and knights who say "Ni" that he chopped up and ate and a guy named David and Shelby and the witch subdued Heratio, but only half way, so the witch decided to grant the sly fox a wish and he wished for cunning (before this, the fox was not cunning, and this is why the fox is cunning now) and he blew up David and Shelby with thirteen nukes and then Heratio regurgitated the knights and they were all happy.

Then Heratio was done with his flashback, only to find that a cross between a Kangaroo and a Moose (nicknamed KaMoose (kinda like caboose)) that pooped on his right hind leg. So he ninja'ed KaMoose to near death. But the Kangaroo Moose didn't die, but he was severely injured. every finger was chopped off, all of his limbs were broken, his heart ripped out and pureed, his liver was tickeled almost to death, and his spleen became it's own rational being and ate the neighboring appendix. The local Doctor was nearby strawberry hunting and antelope hunting and heard a Kangaroo/moose-like groan and came and put KaMoose on some machinery that kepted him alive. so KaMoose didn't die, but he was severely injured.

Running in, stage right, crying, Shelby walks in. We all thought Shelby died in the 13-nuclear-bomb attack, but she didn't. She was just severely injured and deformed. Because of the nuclear radiation, she grew 17 extra ears, all growing on the left side of her face, and the force of the bomb in combination with the radiation flung her legs backwards and they ended up next to her shoulders, so she walks kidna funny now. But there she was, and Heratio was shocked. Shelby didn't know that Heratio was the attacker in the nuclear attack, and she didn't know the doctor or KaMoose. Heratio didn't want her to find out and get upset, because he kind of had a crush on her now. But it was weird because Heratio was a fox and Shelby was a human. But she was severely disfigured, so Heratio thought maybe his fox-friends maybe wouldn't be able to tell she was a human.

Then Heratio got suspicious because the next day, Shelby got mad and started monologue-ing to herself in dutch. And Heratio couldn't stand the dutch (just like austin powers and his dad). So Heratio went to Reno, purchased a stolen bus, but he didn't know it was stolen, and he drove the bus back to the forest where Shelby had made a shelter out of the carcass of KaMoose (cuz he didn't make it through the night) and Heratio ran over Shelby, because he doesn't like dutch stuff.

So Heratio was a little upset, but he made himself a latte and it made him feel better. By the time he was done drinking it, he had forgotten about Shelby. But the latte was 87 gallons, so it took a while for him to drink it all. But Heratio's like an over-sized fox, like the size of a camel. So he actually drank it pretty fast. And he fell asleep because he felt like his stomach was about to rip open and all his guts and stomach were to fly out. Ne'er again shalt he drink an 87 gallon latte. Maybe an 87 gallon hot chocolate, but not a latte.

Heratio the Fox: the Beginnings...

Once upon a time a sly fox dashed into the wooded forest. There was an evil witch-doctor-sorcerer who turned all the forest creatures into newts. Then the knights who say "Ni" came out and started a ruckus. So Mr. Sly Fox dashed in again, yet again, and chopped up the knights into thousands of tiny pieces, and then he proceeded to ritualistically eat the knights (clothing and armour included).

The next day a nice little gal named Shelby Jennings came into the forest to have a picnic with her friend named David Mangold. He had a tattoo of an Indian cow square dancing on his right shoulder. But he didn't want it anymore, so he chopped his arm off. And it was sunny today, so he thought it would be a good idea to go eat food in the forest with Shelby Jennings, but soon to be Shelby Mangold. Not because they were going to get married, but because David was going to adopt her.

The fox was running through the forest rapidly when out of the corner of his peripheral vision he saw little Shelby Jennings eating a sandwich with David Mangold. The fox turned evil and exploded them with thirteen nukes. He gone doned blown em to smithereens. So they were gone.

Then the wicked witch of the east came and subdued the sly fox. Then the witch granted a wish to the fox, because he was only half-way subdued. The fox wished to be cunning in addition to being sly. So the fox became sly and cunning. And he outsmarted the witch with his cunning, and he got away.

Then the fox built up an army of Swedish Ninja assassins to kill the witch. And they killed her dead.

So just the fox was left, and he was lonely. So he regurgitated the knights who say "Ni." And now he had friends and everybody was happy. Even the people who died were happy because they went to the non-smoking section of the afterlife (heaven) as opposed to the smoking side (hell).